Letting Go

I read somewhere that sleeping is a way of dying and allowing some part of our old selves to fade away and be reborn anew again in the morning when we wake. The trick is to hold onto the new and not allow the old to return. Lucid dreaming is one way of doing this.

I was chasing down old friends last night in my dreams. First it was Tina my best friend from High School. I haven't seen her in decades and we didn't part on horrible terms but somehow, in this dream, I dredged up an old grudge that I thought never really bothered me any more. But here I am, reliving the emotions all over again. She did not last long in the dream. Perhaps as long as I needed for the knowledge, acceptance and releasing of that grudge.

In the very next moment there was an older woman. I could only feel that it was my Grandmother from my Dad's side. When I think back she seems to have taken the form of the only picture I have of her. She was here to visit and she brought Niles, an old friend from my early twenties. I was in a rush to preen for him. What slowed me down was when I was dressing, she stood there, next to me, in a disapproving way. Asking if that is how I would dress before him. With only a T-shirt on to hold up my breasts. When I looked down they were lopsided and I could not get them straight. Now that I look up breasts in dream interpretation books they mean nurturing, love. So am I out of balance?

Grandmother tells me that Niles is a hairdresser. Which doesn't surprise me but in reality it should. He was a drummer in the day, a HOT drummer for that matter. I love the boys in the band after all. So here before me is sat a sack of lemon grass and spearmint. I am told this is what he uses as his shampoo. So, wanting to be close to him, I snatch up a hand full and put it in a glass of water to use in my hair. Now lemongrass is used as a wash for repelling serpents. As well as aiding in lust, fidelity, honesty, growth, strength, physic powers and purification. Spearmint is for healing of the lungs and for sharpening mental health.

I really never get close to him or alone with him no matter how hard I tried. Which always seems to happen in my dreams. I never can get myself close to the object I desire. Whatever it may be. So we end up in a room of newbie stylist which he is here to school. I find myself one of them and can not do the job. He reassures me that I will do great and says goodbye. There I stand, letting him walk away, again. However, this time I come to my senses and chase after him. I catch him at the bottom of the stairs in the parking lot. I run him to him, all the while thinking of what I should do. It was so lucid. The choices were mine to make. And, finally, I chose to kiss him. After all these years of regret. But was even more amazing than that is that I didn't feel anything. Nothing. After all these years there was never really any connection.

To hold on to the past is one of the loads that can burden us, make us sick and hold us back. Even if we do not know that we carry it with us. I now consciously allow that bit of myself to die away from last nights sleep. Allowing a small rebirth of myself. Less burdened from the past. I am letting go and moving on.